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One Inch (And Twenty-Five Pounds) Tall

*deep breath*

Hi everyone.  It’s me, Jennifer.  You remember me, right?

I’m the girl who promised she’d blog every day of her fortieth year and kicked off her return to the blogosphere with an “online fat self-intervention.” (see this post and this post if you need a refresher)

I’m also the one whose spring and summer were spent learning about, fearing, talking about, and running from atypical complex simple endometrial hyperplasia. (see pretty much every post to date)

The one who loves to write, yet can’t commit to blogging and bloviating daily? 

Yep, same girl.

You guys know me.  I’ve been allllll about the personal accountability here.  From the weight and self-esteem issues to giving up soda (which I’m still not drinking, let me add!  I’ve become a total tap water snob.  I only drink bottled, thanks, and lots of it)…to the hyperplasia, quest-to-keep-Jen-cancer-free, and the promise to take better care of myself…all of these things have been hashed, discussed, shared, and microscopically dissected, both here on my blog and offline with friends and family and anyone within hearing range.  I’ve not been a faithful blogger, but when something happens of note as it pertains to these topics, I always seem to return to all of you, writing and sharing what has happened so that (a) more people than my husband and I know what has happened, and hopefully (b) all of you will keep me accountable.  Even if you don’t call me or EMAIL me or tweet me 25 times a day (“Did you walk yet today, Jen?  When’s the next D&C scheduled, Jen?  Are you still taking your Megace, Jen?”), I know that you know what’s going on, and somehow the fact that you know that I am walking this road makes me feel accountable.  Because something else of note has happened (and I need an accountability check in a big-assed way), I’m again taking to the keyboard and bloviating to all of you.  Kudos if you’ve read this far.  Chocolate chip cookies if you make it all the way through.

(Before we go any further, there’s a piece of the story you need to know.  If not, the rest of this won’t make any sense.  In my spring/summer 2011 quest to “Get Jen Healthy,” I dropped 55 pounds.  On to the story…)

So yesterday, my daughter and I were enjoying the last few days of our holiday Christmas (the holiday is called Christmas, we’re Catholic and we celebrate it, get over yourselves) break and were doing some shopping.  Out of the blue, my throat started hurting.  Badly.  Ever the water addict, I had a cold bottle with me in the car.  Sure that it would make my throat ailment better, I took a big swig.  Wrong.  Hurts worse now, but “A” for effort there, Jen.  By the time we finished browsing and buying at Pier 1 Imports, I couldn’t take it any longer.  We stopped for some amazing fro-yo in an effort to completely and totally deaden my throat (which worked, temporarily anyway).  By the time we got home, my energy level had completely bottomed out.  After talking with the nurse at my doctor’s office, I was told not to self-medicate again (hey, the leftover-from-my-last-D&C Naproxen Sodium was just sitting there, and it’s prescription strength pain medication!  I thought it would make me feel better!) and to come in and be seen right away.  So I did.  Viral Pharyngitis, they told me.  A viral sore throat.  Not strep, but here’s a script for some antibiotics if you still feel like you’re dying on Tuesday.  I tuned out most of the it’s-not-strep convo because I was so upset about what happened before they’d even swabbed my throat for their rapid strep test.

They weighed me.

Now…(being honest and accountable, part #1), I have a confession to make.  In the fall, I fell off the diet wagon.  Hard.  For whatever reason (and truly, I have no idea what it is), I completely and totally lost my diet mojo.  Gone was the intense urge to document every single calorie and every single walk on my My Fitness Pal account.  Also abruptly missing was my desire to walk 30 minutes a day.  Instead of fighting back, I let myself remain off the wagon, eating whatever I wanted and hoping no one would notice.  Then the holidays hit, and, well, who doesn’t overeat during the holidays? (Or so I told myself)  I would have guessed that I’d gained maybe five pounds back.  Ten tops.  No more than that.  After all, my clothes were still loose and I had lots of energy.  Plus, I was still drinking water like crazy, and water is a huge fat-flusher.  I still had the occasional, “Wow, Jen, you look great!” compliment thrown my way, so I couldn’t have REALLY gained any weight.  No more than ten pounds, which could very easily be lost once 2012 began and my New Year’s Resolution to return to healthy living kicked back in.  And then I stepped on the scale.

Twenty-five pounds.

I gained twenty-five pounds.


How in the hell did I gain twenty-five pounds in four months?  Who does that?!  Is that even POSSIBLE?

I felt an inch tall.  Well, an inch and twenty-five pounds tall.

So you can imagine how well the rest of my appointment went.  Guilt, heartbreak, sadness, worry about the inevitable disappointment my doctor and oncologist will have when they see me in February….but most of all, panic that I’ve harmed my hyperplasia recovery.  What’s done is done, my husband said, but really?  Twenty-five pounds of damage?  The PA I saw at the clinic told me not to beat myself up about this.  In fact, her exact phrase was, “Give yourself a break.  Everyone has ups and downs when they are losing weight.” (“Twenty-five damned POUNDS of ups and downs?” No, I didn’t ask her that, but it took an act of God for me not to).  I made a commitment to myself right then and there (being honest and accountable, part #2) to take back my life and regain control of this situation.  I couldn’t fix the past, and I certainly hoped that my actions hadn’t set back my hyperplasia recovery/quest-to-keep-my-uterus, but what was done was done.  Being overweight and getting sick in the first place were both caused by me being a passive participant in my own health care.  No longer.  I’m back on track.  I ate a salad when I got home last night, and not the delicious. butter-drenched grilled cheese sandwiches my husband and daughter ate ((lucky ducks).  I also walked (only ten minutes and not thirty like I used to, but it felt good.  I guess I was afraid it would knock me out, especially in light of the fact that I wasn’t feeling good, but it didn’t.)   In a few moments, my husband and daughter and I are going to take a long walk outside and enjoy this unseasonably warm and beautiful weather we’re having, and come Tuesday when I am back at work, the thirty minute walks resume.  I have been blessed with so much support at the office, everything from people cheering me on and complimenting my appearance to multiple requests to “please come get me before you walk, Jen, so I can walk with you.”  There’s absolutely nothing I can do about my wagon-fall, but I can sure as hell make the change I need to make to get back on track.  And so here I am, bloviating and babbling and telling you all of this in the hopes that you holding me accountable, even silently, will help me to keep moving in the right direction.

So, how many batches of chocolate chip cookies do I need to bake…?


  1. J, I love you and am very proud. You truly are perfect the way you are.
    We will do this! Did it before, do it again!

  2. I’d love some chocolate chip cookies, but I seriously indulged this month already :) Anyway, I think I’ve told you this, but YOU are one of the biggest reasons I joined MyFitnessPal earlier this year. I saw the success you were having, and I was hoping I could do the same. Well, I’m happy to say that although I haven’t reached goal yet, I have lost 43 pounds. I want to thank you. And I want to say that I am here to keep you motivated and accountable and celebrate your successes with you. Because there will be many successes to celebrate! You are a strong, determined woman (hey, you are a Phi Mu after all!) and you have this. And I want to be there to share it with you. Happy New Year Jennifer! And thank you again!

  3. Erin Chapman says:

    I love you Jen no matter what! You are amazing and such and inspiration to all of us! 2012 will BE YOUR YEAR!!!

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